Mommy, I Need You

For the first two and a half years of my daughter's life, I worked full time, as well as a work from home job, averaging anywhere from 45-60 hours a week. I did this on top of (attempting) to keep up with the house and the general work of parenting. Most of the time I felt like I was dropping the ball somewhere.

Now, for the first time ever, I am not working. So why do I still feel like I can't keep up? Why do I feel just as tired? Why are there still dirty dishes, piles of laundry, and cup after cup of coffee? Why on earth are there times when I am still dropping the ball?

Needing.

The someone needing me doesn't stop, and it can be absolutely exhausting.

Just saying those words, putting them out there, fills me with guilt. I already feel guilty for being tired today, for not playing with my daughter the million times she has asked, for writing right now, for not working,

When my daughter was a baby, she cried. When she was a toddler, she yelled. Now at 3, she has upped her game and I actually hear the words "Mommy, I need you" all. the. time. A tiny person needs you for everything...feeding, pottying, playing, support, learning, sleeping, buckling, holding, carrying, cleaning, bathing...it gets damn exhausting.

I know one day she will not need me any more, and I know I will miss this. But will I really miss all of it? Will I miss cleaning up poop, getting snack after snack, waking up with a foot in my face, leaving the season finale of my favorite show to put her back to bed AGAIN,  making up a reason penguin crackers are better than fish crackers, being peed on? Not to mention the fact that three year olds are completely insane. I know that I won't miss it all. While sometimes I long for the days my daughter was a sweet, squishy little newborn, I  certainly don't miss all the newborn stuff. Never once have I said "Man, I wish I could cry while I marathon nurse after not sleeping for 36 hours, mastitis rocked."

There are countless things I will miss about my daughter being little: the snuggles, hugs, playing, the special bond that we share. But the truth is, it is hard when they are little, and I won't miss all of it. One day she will walk out the door to meet her friends without saying goodbye, and it will break my heart. At the same time I will be glad she didn't wake me up in the middle of the night to show me her booger.

The ins and outs of parenting are filled with feelings of fullness and failure, amazing moments and terrible moments. Some days I feel like super mom, and other days I turn on another damn Max & Ruby so the needing stops for a minute and I can disconnect to save my sanity. Most days, I love staying home and the time we are sharing. Some days I loose my shit, cry into my cold coffee, and we eat goldfish and cheese sticks for lunch on the dog-fur covered floor, still wearing pajamas.

Here's the thing: I can't stop from feeling this way, so I might as well let myself feel it and move on. It doesn't make me a bad mom, a bad wife, or the worst person ever. It makes me human. No person can meet all the needs all the time.

Mom guilt sucks, none of us need it, and it's not making any of us better moms for feeling like shit about having bad moments, bad days, or bad weeks. These days won't last.

It is okay to resent being needed sometimes
It is okay to hide sometimes
It is okay to be tired...all the time

It is perfectly okay to rest, escape, drink coffee, not shower, go out with your friends, go out with your spouse, take meds, take a class, read a book, go for a run, work, not work, sleep in, or do whatever you need to do to feel happy and okay. If I am going to be a good mom, I have to take care of myself, too. I need me and I need others. We have needs to, and we have to make sure our needs are met.