City Girl Apparently Going Country

My toddler daughter and I are home after almost a week in "the big city" staying with the three kids I nannied full time for five years. Their parents were at a conference, so I jumped at the opportunity to see the kids again, be in my old stomping grounds, and earn some extra money (since apparently you don't get paid for working as a Stay at Home Mom).

Having only lived in our little slice of the country outside a teensy town for less than two months, I was totally unprepared for how much this already changed me. My former nanny family lives in affluent suburb and are professionals with three kids. Each kid loves all their activities and they are an on-the-go family. My husband and I just moved from a close-by up and coming suburb.

We have spent the last two months loving our new home in the country but feeling like outsiders and dealing with unexpected adjustments. Living close to Indianapolis, we had our pick of just about anything to eat, every store, and countless parks and activities. I worked full time, and we were always busy. Our new town has one park and six restaurants, including McDonald's and Pizza King. People here are astonished when they learn we left such a blossoming area to live here, and sometimes (like when we are trying to where to eat) we are too. Having two grocery stores and nothing close to a Trader Joe's, there's no exotic items on our home menu (or even white cheddar, which apparently I was ridiculous for requesting at the deli counter). I get antsy at home and I still like to keep busy and talk to people, finding a reason to leave the house or work on a project every day. On top of seeing my nanny kids, I was pumped to be within reasonable driving distance of Starbucks (where I went daily) and have our choice of parks and restaurants, even a book store!

I was craving being in the city again for longer than a quick afternoon, and the hectic schedule of three kids in sports was something I could easily manage and was used to. What I wasn't expecting was the electric current of anxiety, the fast thoughts, the tightness in my chest, the tense muscles. I came home feeling emotionally drained, and it has taken me a bit to figure out why.

After 6 days of traffic, crowds, and noise, I began to feel over stimulated and anxious, I didn't expect to be ready to come back to our land in the middle of corn fields and tiny town. I was ready to give up my daily PSL for coffee on my back porch staring at fields and trade the errands for afternoons writing and staying home. The further we drove from city on the way home, the more I filled with peace.

There are moments since we moved to the country that I feel something that has always been rare to me: clarity. I don't mean simply clear thinking, I mean clear, unmuddled being. It has happened several times: when talking with a new friend, pulling in to our drive way and seeing our home, driving through the fields, walking through town, staring at the farmland from our deck in the evening.  These are moments that I mark and savor, because they are completely new to me. As someone diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, the current of electricity running through my bones, scattered thoughts, tightness in my chest and tense muscles have been part of me for as long as I can remember. Here, it slows, and sometimes stops entirely. I have moments of pure clarity and peace that clear my mind and wash over my whole body. While my anxiety will likely always be with me (and I don't think moving to the country is the answer for everyone), this has been a welcome and unexpected change. Life here is slower, simple, and quiet.

I am so grateful for our time in the city and seeing the kids, and my daughter had a blast. But I know now that is no longer my home, and while small-town country life continues to be a big adjustment, it's what I need.


(photo credit: theodessyonline.com)

Mommy, I Need You

For the first two and a half years of my daughter's life, I worked full time, as well as a work from home job, averaging anywhere from 45-60 hours a week. I did this on top of (attempting) to keep up with the house and the general work of parenting. Most of the time I felt like I was dropping the ball somewhere.

Now, for the first time ever, I am not working. So why do I still feel like I can't keep up? Why do I feel just as tired? Why are there still dirty dishes, piles of laundry, and cup after cup of coffee? Why on earth are there times when I am still dropping the ball?

Needing.

The someone needing me doesn't stop, and it can be absolutely exhausting.

Just saying those words, putting them out there, fills me with guilt. I already feel guilty for being tired today, for not playing with my daughter the million times she has asked, for writing right now, for not working,

When my daughter was a baby, she cried. When she was a toddler, she yelled. Now at 3, she has upped her game and I actually hear the words "Mommy, I need you" all. the. time. A tiny person needs you for everything...feeding, pottying, playing, support, learning, sleeping, buckling, holding, carrying, cleaning, bathing...it gets damn exhausting.

I know one day she will not need me any more, and I know I will miss this. But will I really miss all of it? Will I miss cleaning up poop, getting snack after snack, waking up with a foot in my face, leaving the season finale of my favorite show to put her back to bed AGAIN,  making up a reason penguin crackers are better than fish crackers, being peed on? Not to mention the fact that three year olds are completely insane. I know that I won't miss it all. While sometimes I long for the days my daughter was a sweet, squishy little newborn, I  certainly don't miss all the newborn stuff. Never once have I said "Man, I wish I could cry while I marathon nurse after not sleeping for 36 hours, mastitis rocked."

There are countless things I will miss about my daughter being little: the snuggles, hugs, playing, the special bond that we share. But the truth is, it is hard when they are little, and I won't miss all of it. One day she will walk out the door to meet her friends without saying goodbye, and it will break my heart. At the same time I will be glad she didn't wake me up in the middle of the night to show me her booger.

The ins and outs of parenting are filled with feelings of fullness and failure, amazing moments and terrible moments. Some days I feel like super mom, and other days I turn on another damn Max & Ruby so the needing stops for a minute and I can disconnect to save my sanity. Most days, I love staying home and the time we are sharing. Some days I loose my shit, cry into my cold coffee, and we eat goldfish and cheese sticks for lunch on the dog-fur covered floor, still wearing pajamas.

Here's the thing: I can't stop from feeling this way, so I might as well let myself feel it and move on. It doesn't make me a bad mom, a bad wife, or the worst person ever. It makes me human. No person can meet all the needs all the time.

Mom guilt sucks, none of us need it, and it's not making any of us better moms for feeling like shit about having bad moments, bad days, or bad weeks. These days won't last.

It is okay to resent being needed sometimes
It is okay to hide sometimes
It is okay to be tired...all the time

It is perfectly okay to rest, escape, drink coffee, not shower, go out with your friends, go out with your spouse, take meds, take a class, read a book, go for a run, work, not work, sleep in, or do whatever you need to do to feel happy and okay. If I am going to be a good mom, I have to take care of myself, too. I need me and I need others. We have needs to, and we have to make sure our needs are met.

You Can Pry My Yoga Pants Off My Cold, Dead Body

Moms get a lot of heat for living in yoga pants and leggings. But let me tell you, there is a reason yoga pants are the best things in the entire world.

I personally have several levels of yoga pants:

• Level  1: Sleeping and Lounging Yoga Pants. Loose fitting and generally worn from 8PM-8AM.
• Level 2: Daytime House Yoga Pants. Tighter fitting, retired and worn, suitable for working around the house (or simply not leaving).
• Level 3: Exercise Yoga Pants (This is a new level for me). New with pretty neon swirls and are for actual exercise. They are then worn the rest of the day so everyone knows I have exercised, and because I don't always have time to shower.
• Level 4: Public Yoga Pants. Newest pair that goes with everything while making my ass look great.
• Level 5: Leggings. When yoga pants aren't appropriate and I need to look cute, leggings are pretty and class it up a bit with a nicer shirt. Level 5 is interchangeable with Level 4 when my yoga pants are just too boring. 

Most days, I level up throughout the day depending on our activities. I decided to put on some "real" pants yesterday. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking. I tried to squat and bend and I had no range of motion! All I could think was "GET MY LEGS OUT OF PANTS JAIL!! WHY DO PEOPLE WEAR THESE??" 

This got me thinking about something I hear all the time: Why can't moms just dress like a normal people and wear real pants instead of yoga pants?  Are we just lazy? NOPE. Here's why: BECAUSE WE AREN'T NORMAL PEOPLE WITH NORMAL JOBS. Being home with kids, like any other job, requires work clothes. Parenting work requires specific attire that provides flexibility, full range of motion, easy clean up, and comfort so you can do any of the following: 

• Rescue your kid from the inside of the biggest twisty tube slide at the park
• Sit on the hard bathroom floor for 30 minutes reading stories out loud while waiting for someone else to poop.
• Fold the same load of laundry 3 times.
• Lay on the bedroom floor singing the same song 500 times 
• Get up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down from the floor.
• Get drenched while you aren't even the one actually in the bath tub. 
• Use a baby wipe to clean breast milk, poop, play dough, and unidentifiable green shit off said pants before the cable guy shows up 3 hours late
• Unload a stroller, snacks, a diaper bag, toys (oh, and kids) from the car countless times a day, not to mention groceries or whatever else you have acquired.
• Crawl around on the floor being a puppy, cat, bunny, dragon....
• Attempt to do an exercise dvd while your child climbs all over you, then gives up and cries on the couch until your done.
• Spontaneous dance parties. 
• Pull up pants quickly before your toddler opens the bathroom door in public
• Hide in the closet with your coffee (or wine) and phone
• Sit on the couch with your baby on your chest for hours because if you move they will wake up and the rest of your day is ruined. 
• Clean and clean and clean, then clean all those things again. 
• Get ready in 5 minutes with a toddler destroying the house and a newborn crying.
• Actual yoga (yeah, right)
• Lots of snuggles and playing

Everyone has work clothes, and these are mine, and I will rock them proudly every day because it's an absolute necessity for my real job. My legs hate pants jail, I won't send them back. 

Why I am a Hot Mess Mama, and Why I Embrace It

Welcome to my new blog. Third time is a charm, right?

I wrote my first blog was about being a Navy wife facing deployment. My next blog was when I was a new mom and thought (like many of us do rounding out that first year) that I was a child expert sent to rain down knowledge.

This blog is an acknowledgement of the fact that I am a hot mess. I don't have all the answers, and I am embarking on a new life style in a new town.

Fit Mom, Crunchy Mom, Over Achiever Mom, Church Mom, Mean Mom, Sanctimommy, Free Range Mom...check your box, right?

Those titles used to make me feel super comfy. I wanted to find where I fit and know that I fit there, and make sure everyone else knew where I fit too. But now I fully believe if there was a Group called "I Don't Really Know What the Fuck I Am Doing, Don't Judge Me" that a lot of us go there (only of course after creating a fake Facebook account to make sure non of the moms from the park recognize us).

"Hot Mess Mama" is the best way sum up this phase of my mom journey. We just went through the worst relocation in human history for my husband's new job, we are settling in a new town where I know NO ONE and now do not work for the first time ever. My little girl is almost three (and has turned in to a completely different person). To top if off,  I gained 20lbs during our move and decided to grow out my pixie cut. Let me tell you, it's really awesome making all new friends wearing the same two pairs of yoga pants every day and rocking a stellar mullet.

Despite all that, I am throwing myself out there in every possible way because this is the life we want, and I live for the craziness of it.  Land, staying home with my kid, simplicity, a fresh start: this is it. Fortunately yoga pants are the staple mom uniform and I am not the only person in town with a mullet.

This is our new life. I am going to learn how to put food that I grow into cans despite never having kept a house plant alive. I am going to finally pursue working from home on things that I love. I am going to convince my husband that an acre is completely suitable for a small, adorable llama farm...

I am going to ditch all the bullshit and embrace the Hot Mess that I am while I figure it all out....and I am going to share it with you.

Sounds fun, right?