Working that much and always being on-the-go, my appearance and health came last. I was too tired to work out, and I didn't really care. I ate what was around. I was a nanny, wore yoga pants to work, and lived on carbs and lattes for sustenance and sanity. I gained a significant amount of weight, like ya do. Then I decided chopping off 23 inches of hair seemed like a fabulous idea to save time. And it was, until I was done with it. Out of nowhere, life got turned upside-down and we were quickly relocating for my husband's job. At this point, none of my clothes fit anymore and I was wearing hand-me-downs from my mom, stretchy pants and tee shirts while awkwardly growing out a pixie hair cut.
What a lovely time to move a new town and meet tons of new people, right? I felt like I looked (and smelled) my worst. Being super outgoing and determined to make new friends, I decided to power through and out I went post-pixie mullet, stretchy pants, and all
December 1st marked 4 months in our new town. In that time, I've been working out, eating better and willing my hair to grow. It's been a rough 4 months, because here's the thing: change apparently is super fucking hard and doesn't happen immediately. My hair still looks awkward and I've lost a fraction of the weight I thought I would have this point. I'm still fighting to find time to take care of my soul and mind, reading books having time to write. But here's what also happened: I've made new friends anyway. I joined the YMCA, got involved in community programs, and started attending a Unitarian Church. I have new, amazing people in my life who don't see the list of things I see when I look at myself.
I used to think that loving myself as I am meant that I was good staying that way. I also thought that having goals to change things about myself meant that I couldn't really love and accept the way I am now. I thought making changes made self-love conditional. I could either accept myself and stay stagnant, or work to become a person that I could love. "I will love myself WHEN..." I'll love myself when I lose weight, when I become successful at my job, when my hair grows out, when I learn how to be more appropriate, when I can finally get my shit together....WHEN WHEN WHEN. Because if I love myself NOW, that means that I am okay with all the things I want to change, right?
Here's what going through a giant life change in the midst of not really loving myself has taught me: I can love myself NOW and still work on growing and evolving. The important thing is that I don't hate myself in the process. If you wait to love yourself When, you don't believe you are deserving of love Now. If you don't believe you are deserving of love, then When will never come. Once you reach that goal, it won't be enough, because deep down you believe that you aren't enough. Another When will replace it. You (hopefully) wouldn't tell your child. "I will love you when you learn how to tie your shoes;" "I will love you when you act differently;" "I will love you when you get better grades." Earning love is a never-ending game, and it's damaging. It's your love for your child that helps them grow, that gives you patience, that helps you teach them, that makes them thrive.
We aren't any different as adults, we are still in process constantly. Chasing self-love with a to-do list of conditions only plunges us further into self-hatred. Loving and investing time and energy in ourselves, because we believe that we are worthy of love and effort, is what makes us grow and flourish into our best selves. We can make ourselves better not because we believe we are bad and must change, but because believe that we are good and deserve to love ourselves through our evolution.
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