So why do I only feel like a grown-up some of the time? A good chunk of the time I still feel like that girl in high school, and sometimes it is genuinely weird to me that I am a homeowner, bill payer, a parent. (Not that those are the qualifications for being an adult, but one would think that with those things, I would feel like an adult all the time, right?) Someone put me in charge of maintaining a house, holding down a job, and growing another human into a productive member of society. Who the hell thought that was a good idea? Being an adult was supposed to feel way different, right?
Referring to myself as a "woman" feels weird, so grown up sounding. Michelle Obama is a woman. I'm just here trying to figure out how to adult today and how much coffee is needed for that. There are women not much older than me who I see as more "adult" than I am. Is it about age? Is it something else entirely? After all, I am THIRTY-TWO, now!
This snapped with me when I was shopping for a new outfit to wear out for my birthday (I know this sounds lame, but who knows how something will hit you). Whenever there is an occasion, I go out and get a new outfit that is fancier that anything else I wear, I feel awkward in it, and then it hangs in my closet. Every time an event like a wedding or birthday dinner comes up, I feel the need to dress up like someone I'm not. This year, I started to do that, then it hit me how silly that was. I should dress like myself, in something I love that I will wear again because it resembles me. Also, this is much more affordable, and who doesn't love that?
This simple act claiming who I am gave me one of those moments where I felt like an actual Grown-ass woman. That night, I went out with my best friend and our husbands, drank delicious martinis, ate steak, and declared that I am 32 and claiming it. Why should I be ashamed of becoming an adult?
All this got me seriously thinking about the women in my life and other women I admire, and what it was about these women that made me look up to them.
- They doesn't have time for other people's bullshit. They let others think and be what they may without playing in to their mess.
- They don't harbor guilt, but simply apologize for what was their fault, and move forward.
- They are themselves, whatever that looks like. I don't know if anyone truly "doesn't care" what anyone thinks of them. But Grown-ass women care what they think of themselves MORE.
- They own their shit. It's okay if they are a mess, if life is still a mess, if things are falling apart. They are not habitually life's victim.
- They are impressive because they aren't out to impress. These women simply are, and that is what makes them intimidating.
- They embrace other women. They are strong together, seeing each other as necessary to survival, not as enemies or competition.
These are things that I aspire to as a Grown-ass woman who is now thirty-two. I simply don't have the time or energy to keep living in the insecurities that I did in high school and college. It's exhausting, it keeps me trapped, it makes me feel bad about myself and my life. It's time to step up my Grown-ass woman game. When I was drinking martinis, eating steaks, being with the ones I love, dressing like myself, and declaring my thirty-two-ness, it felt amazing. I was free. I was a Grown-ass woman for that moment.
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