Potty Training: The Actual Worst

I am of the general belief that babies are easier than toddlers, or at least a very different kind of hard. The first few months of parenting are a special kind of terrifying hell, but once you get through that, babies aren't too awfully difficult. They require most of your time and energy, but they are basically fussy, wiggly potatoes. Babies don't argue with you, throw things at you, tell you what to wear, and refuse to eat anything but Goldfish and apple sauce. Teething and sleep regression are a nightmare, but they pass after a couple weeks (hopefully). Snuggle that baby while you can, because soon it will be a talking, walking little ball of emotion. Picture a teenager trapped in tiny body with limited language. My daughter is bright and funny, and about the most pig headed little thing you ever saw, just like her Daddy. Fortunately, like him, she's generally charming enough to get away with it.

Enter Potty Training. My daughter has always been ahead of the curve, so I was pretty sure once she "got it," we would have this potty training thing down in days. That was SIX MONTHS ago. She acted excited and fully on board, so I took this as a sign of readiness. That first day, we broke out the stickers and sat on the potty over and over, she even peed in it. Half way through Day 2, she announced "I don't want to use the potty. Don't give me stickers. I want a diaper" and stuck to that with all her will. We put it off until after moving and getting settled in the new house. Time to try again. After a couple of days,  she was once again over it. The kid happily pees in her new panties, refuses any matter of treats, and could care less whether or not Big Girls, Elsa, or anyone else uses the potty. She will simply say "Elsa uses the potty, I wear diapers. I WANT A DIAPER! An actual diaper, Mom." (My daughter for real talks like this).

I decided not to make it a thing, but I kind of did anyway. Between nannying for 5 years then having a baby, I have been cleaning up poop that isn't my own for 7 years. If there will be a baby #2, I kind of need a break from shit before I commit to another 3+ years of it. Since my daughter and I are home most of the day, I put her in panties and told her she could sit on the potty if she wanted to. After a couple days of peeing herself, she figured out her signals and would ask for a diaper when she needed to pee. Instead, we sat on the potty, she didn't pee, and went happily back to playing. What didn't occur to me was that after a few days of not peeing all day, she could get a freaking UTI. Mother. Of. The Year. 

Before having kids, and even in the early days, I was one of those intolerable parenting experts. Now I get it. The Toddler Years have broken me down. (And we haven't hit three yet!) Sometimes as a parent you have no idea what the actual fuck you are doing. Your kid doesn't care about your preparations and research.  Then, once you get your kid figured out, they go and grow on you and turn in to a different person. You have to teach a tiny person how to do Person Things, like use a fork, zip a jacket, and poop in a receptacle. That tiny person will have their own ideas about how every bit of that will go. Since my daughter is clearly willing to hold pee to the point of pain for 8 hours, she can pee in the potty whenever she damn well chooses, or not...ever. I'll sit back and laugh when she explains her Depends to her boyfriend one day.