Dollar Store Preps: Basic Family Needs for under $100

I used to think "Preppers" were just wackadoo conspiracy theorists hiding out in bunkers preparing for an apocalypse. While I don't feel the need to go that far, the last couple of months has taught me that anything can freaking happen. Aside from the terrible news, there is always the real threat of a tornado or snow storm in the Midwest, and my one flashlight and old candles likely won't cut it. It's never a bad idea to have some supplies on hand. I have found that prepping gives me a solid thing to do to provide security for my family. But living on a tight budget and a single income, setting extra aside extra seemed out of reach at first.

 I did some more digging and found ways purchase many security items for my family for cheap by shopping at Dollar Tree and adding items to my weekly grocery list at Aldi. I am for real a newbie prepper, so I am here to share with you what I am learning. My goal current goal is light prepping for emergency situations. These are just the items I found handy at my dollar store, not all the prepping supplies I am getting.

• Dollar Store Tips
• If you aren't familiar with dollar stores, there are a few kinds. Dollar General is comparable to grocery store prices in my opinion. I like stores like Dollar Tree, where everything is $1 (which is why there are no price tags- I didn't know this and asked!).
• Check the shelves- You can buy 2 toothbrushes for $1, or look down and find a pack of 4 toothbrushes for $1. A small bottle of hydrogen peroxide is $1, look on the bottom shelf and find a big bottle also for $1.
• Not all things are worth $1. Cans of food can be purchased at Aldi for $0.39 for example.
• For my Dollar Store preps, I broke my items down in to categories and saved the list in my phone (I use the Out of Milk app for my multiple grocery lists). 
• The list is always handy, and I can grab things if I run in to the dollar store, make plans to go monthly or bi-weekly, or shop by category so I don't get overwhelmed. 
• Break it down if you need to - this list gets you started for under $100. You can easily break it down to $10 at a time or what you need to afford it! Remember, each item on this list is only $1! 
• My first step was to buy containers at the dollar store for each category to keep all the items together and organized. I got large, deep Tupperware. The size of your totes depends on how long you intend to prep for (week/month/year). My medical supplies will go in a large tackle box. 
• It's great to get multi-purpose items! 
• Your whole family can use the same deodorant, soap, razors, etc.! No need to buy men's/women's stuff. 

Here's my Dollar Store Prep List! 

• Food Needs
• Can Opener
• Bottle Opener/Corkscrew (I found a 2 in 1)
• Knives (I just got a two pack of sharp/multi-purpose knives)
• Metal bowls/plates/silverware
• Kitchen Scissors
• Knife Sharpener
• Tupperware containers
• Towels/rags
• Dish soap 
• Hygiene 
• Soap (bar)
• Shampoo
• Deodorant
• Disposable razors
• Hair ties (tons of uses!)
• Brushes/combs (I found a 5 pack) 
• Chap-stick 
• Mouthwash (a tooth ache can be a huge problem - think Cast Away)
• Toothpaste
• Toothbrushes
• Floss 
• Hand sanitizer (this is a big one!)
• Survival 
• Lighters (look for a big pack)
• Matches (big box & single packs)
• Flash lights
• Batteries
• Ponchos
• Fire Starters
• Long burning emergency candles 
• Glow sticks
• Duct tape 
• Needle & thread 
• Medical (small things are a big deal in emergency situations!) 
• Rubber gloves
• Face masks
• Bandages
• Pain killers (check labels here, bottles range for 10-100 capsules!) 
• Anti-diarrhea/anti-vomit (must-have to avoid dehydration) 
• Allergy meds
• Pain killers 
• Rubbing alcohol 
• Hydrogen peroxide
• Multi-vitamins 
• Sunscreen 
• Aloe gel 
• Cotton balls
• Q-tips 
• Food (don't get items at the dollar store that you can get way cheaper at the grocery store)
• Instant Coffee
• Quick Oats
• Nuts 
• Pass times (you may need to entertain yourself without power!) and Misc. 
• Puzzle books
• Coloring books/colored pencils/crayons 
• Pens/Pencils/Sharpies
• Cards/Games
• Magnifying glass
• Clothing
• Socks
• Underwear
• Bandannas
• Sunglasses (I know this seems random, but it sucks to not have some)

You will likely find more things to add to this list, or things that you don't feel like you need. If you see stuff I'm missing, please comment!

Coming up: Weekly Grocery Store Preps, making a bug-out bag, and my experience with self defense classes!

Throwing Away New Year's Resolutions

I don't know about you, but I suck at New Year's Resolutions. Every year I excitedly make a list with dreams about how different life could be. Last year, I realized that I don't know if I have ever actually accomplished any of my New Year's Resolutions. Not to say I didn't try, because those first two weeks of January I sure did put forth some effort... 

There are always reasons why my resolutions don't "work out." Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't just set a couple of goals, I set ALL the goals. I expect drastic change. Usually, life happens and the goals get pushed aside for another day. January is pretty much the worst month to start a list of goals, in my opinion. It's cold, I have holiday hang-over, and I generally just want to hibernate. 

Last year was the game changer. As I looked at my long list of goals: cut back social media, de-clutter the house, do yoga, read more (and so on),  I realized that all these things had one thing in common: getting junk out and inviting good in. I decided instead of giving myself a check list of goals to accomplish, I would ask this over and over daily when making decisions: 

Is this beneficial, useful and beautiful, or is this harmful and wasteful? 

This question was exhilarating to me because it was actually something I could accomplish. I decided to apply this question to everything: how I spend my time, how I treat my body, who and what I allow in my life. This question also allowed for change. There are times when eating dessert with my daughter, cuddling with my husband and watching a movie instead of going to the gym is beneficial. This question allowed for other people's needs. Likewise, removing clutter, junk, toxic people and thinking from my day made so much more time and space for what is beneficial. 

I'm not against having goals and making lists of things we want to do and be, but just making the list is not enough for me. I can't keep coming at my goals each year with the same mindset that allowed all my previous lists to be thrown in the trash. Each time there was a set back in my list, it was easier to just quit. 

The goal is for this question to become a way of my daily thinking:  

Is this beneficial, useful and beautiful, or is this harmful and wasteful? 

In 2016, drastic change came in to our lives. In March, my husband was offered a new job. We made the decision to accept the job, to leave a house we hated, get rid of one third of our belongings, and move to the country. We took an inventory of our lives and let go of so much. 

Moving to the country and pursing a whole new path may not be what you are looking for, but for me the realization that mindset is key to changing our lives, not lists and expectations, was key to transformation. It's about how we think and what we tell ourselves every day, and what we allow in to our lives that truly changes things.

It's a couple weeks in to 2017.  In the craziness of all the drastic change in our lives and it our world, my question has been forgotten and junk has edged back in, literally and metaphorically.  Looking at my life and how I spend my time, it's immensely clear that it's time for another mind re-set. The same question needs invited back in to my life. Instead of approaching my days with a set of rules and lists, my only goal is to approach decisions through my day with these questions:

Is this beneficial to my life? Is this useful or beautiful? Is this helping me or others? 

Is this toxic to my life? Is this hurting me or others? Is this wasteful? 

Loving Yourself is a Revolutionary Act

In my previous life, before we moved to the country and I became a stay-at-home-mom, I was working 2 jobs while raising a toddler.

Working that much and always being on-the-go, my appearance and health came last. I was too tired to work out, and I didn't really care. I ate what was around. I was a nanny, wore yoga pants to work, and lived on carbs and lattes for sustenance and sanity. I gained a significant amount of weight, like ya do. Then I decided chopping off 23 inches of hair seemed like a fabulous idea to save time. And it was, until I was done with it. Out of nowhere, life got turned upside-down and we were quickly relocating for my husband's job. At this point, none of my clothes fit anymore and I was wearing hand-me-downs from my mom, stretchy pants and tee shirts while awkwardly growing out a pixie hair cut.

What a lovely time to move a new town and meet tons of new people, right? I felt like I looked (and smelled) my worst. Being super outgoing and determined to make new friends, I decided to power through and out I went post-pixie mullet, stretchy pants, and all

December 1st marked 4 months in our new town. In that time, I've been working out, eating better and willing my hair to grow. It's been a rough 4 months, because here's the thing: change apparently is super fucking hard and doesn't happen immediately. My hair still looks awkward and I've lost a fraction of the weight I thought I would have this point. I'm still fighting to find time to take care of my soul and mind, reading books having time to write. But here's what also happened: I've made new friends anyway.  I joined the YMCA, got involved in community programs, and started attending a Unitarian Church. I have new, amazing people in my life who don't see the list of things I see when I look at myself.

I used to think that loving myself as I am meant that I was good staying that way. I also thought that having goals to change things about myself meant that I couldn't really love and accept the way I am now. I thought making changes made self-love conditional. I could either accept myself and stay stagnant, or work to become a person that I could love. "I will love myself  WHEN..." I'll love myself when I lose weight,  when I become successful at my job, when my hair grows out,  when I learn how to be more appropriate, when I can finally get my shit together....WHEN WHEN WHEN. Because if I love myself NOW, that means that I am okay with all the things I want to change, right?

Here's what going through a giant life change in the midst of not really loving myself has taught me: I can love myself NOW and still work on growing and evolving. The important thing is that I don't hate myself in the process. If you wait to love yourself When, you don't believe you are deserving of love Now. If you don't believe you are deserving of love, then When will never come. Once you reach that goal, it won't be enough, because deep down you believe that you aren't enough. Another When will replace it. You (hopefully) wouldn't tell your child. "I will love you when you learn how to tie your shoes;" "I will love you when you act differently;" "I will love you when you get better grades." Earning love is a never-ending game, and it's damaging. It's your love for your child that helps them grow, that gives you patience, that helps you teach them, that makes them thrive.

We aren't any different as adults, we are still in process constantly. Chasing self-love with a to-do list of conditions only plunges us further into self-hatred. Loving and investing time and energy in ourselves, because we believe that we are worthy of love and effort, is what makes us grow and flourish into our best selves. We can make ourselves better not because we believe we are bad and must change, but because believe that we are good and deserve to love ourselves through our evolution.

Why I Needed to Forgive the Church to Find God

Pastor's Daughter. That label defined me for most of my life until I moved out of my parents' home, left the church, and actively worked on forming my own identity. 

My relationship with the church has always been a rocky one, full of both love and anger. As a child, my dad pastored small churches. We moved a lot. I was an awkward kid and the transitions were always difficult. When I was 10 years old, we moved to Indiana and my dad accepted a staff position at a church where we would remain at until I was 18. Some of the hardest and best years of my life happened while attending this church. When my parents accepted a new position at a church in Colorado, I stayed in Indiana and went to college, and left the church entirely. My struggles with the church did not stop there, though. 

As a kid, I remember church feeling forced. I tried hard to be good, confessing all my sins at alter calls when I was only a child. My parents didn't raise me to believe I was a sinner, but inside I knew I wasn't feeling the things I was "supposed" to. Once I entered the youth group, I pushed harder. We had a youth pastor who believed in "excellence" as Christians. We were expected to devote our lives and all our free time to the youth group. I signed right up and was on his leadership team. I was always "different" though. I questioned and searched, was loud and dressed different. My parents were supportive of my mild rebellion- as long as I went to church and believed as they did. I was teaching Sunday school, on the Praise Team, a youth group leader, and doing all I could to push my guilt and questions aside. I even chose to attend Christian school to try and "fix" myself. My self-expression came in my appearance, chopping off my hair and dressing in outrageous clothes. Despite my efforts to be a good Christian girl and conform, I was always leaking out. I went to alter calls and gave my testimony to alleviate my guilt and try to fit- to force my real self to line up with who I needed to be to be sanctified. 

Insecurity grew and grew. Christian school and the youth group became awful for me. It wasn't working. I didn't fit and my heart was breaking. I could not be like the others. I thought I had to be, but I couldn't stop being loud and rebellious, questioning and searching. I was bullied at Christian school and always in trouble. One day, after many days of tears, I couldn't take it anymore. I called my mom from a pay phone during lunch and, between sobs, told her I had to leave. The next week, I moved to public school. A week later, I was active in the school's theater department. It was a haven for insecure, searching, different teenagers. I had a talent for acting, and I found my tribe and was starting to be happy again. 

My relationship with the youth group and my close friends there continued to crumble. I began to thrive. I found others like me in the theater department. My differentness was normal to them. My depression stayed, and would for many years to come until I found therapy. But I was home with them for a time. 

As I did more and more plays at school, my lack of attendance at church was frowned upon by the youth pastor. He confronted my dad, and my dad rose to my defense. Theater was a possible career, and Wednesday night youth group was not. I will always be grateful to my parents for supporting me. I still had to go to church on Sundays, but I quit the praise team and Sunday school. I drove separate as soon as I could so I could leave directly after service and not talk to anyone. The youth group wasn't a place I wanted to be. I usually sat alone and sneaked out of service to go on walks around the neighborhood. 

With college came more struggles, my depression and anxiety could no longer be ignored. During high school my depression turned into an eating disorder that was still with me. Bad boyfriends played a role as well.  In the theater department, my professor said something to my acting class I will never forget: "All of you are hear to pursue a career where you pretend to be someone else. That's not normal. I encourage you all to go to therapy to figure out why you want to do this. You cannot deal with emotions of acting if you don't have your shit together." Well, a year in to the program, it became abundantly clear he was right. I was a mess. I wasn't sleeping, my weight was plummeting, I was turning to outside things to numb myself. I went to the school counseling center and quit acting.

 A lot of time was spent in therapy dealing with my anger at the church for my struggles and those of my parents, bad relationships with boys, and trying to reconcile my feelings of abandonment from God. 

 As I went through therapy I also searched other religions, I hated entering a church. I was still plagued by my own messy feelings. I did a lot of work to forgive. Eventually, I didn't feel the need to beg forgiveness for my true self at an alter. It was me that needed to do the forgiving. I had to release my own demons. I forgave the church, the youth pastor, the Christian school, my parents. I found my freedom and God within myself. This was one of the most difficult and freeing things I have ever done in my life.

My freedom came from the realization that I did not have to have labels. As I searched other religions, I realized it was more of the same things I was trying to leave in the Christian church. Every group had their own rules and books and names for God. I realized I did not believe in the Bible as the only word of God. That was incredibly freeing. I allowed myself to recognize God in things outside of the church, outside of any religion. I claimed my own rules, my own names for God, my own thoughts. I decided there was a reason it all felt forced to me. It didn't have to be. God accepts me without conditions, and no one religion has the answers for me. The answers are within me and waiting for me in life. I stopped trying to make myself fit an idea of God. God was there the whole time, in the people and experiences of my daily life. 

..........................................................

I wrote this piece two and a half years ago, sitting in the parking lot of the church of my childhood. Now, as Christmas approaches, all the traditions of my Christian childhood surround me. They bring me peace and comfort, remembering the happy times in church and with my family. At the same time, this piece has been on my mind, reminding me of what I came from and where I am now. I fought long and hard to find peace with God. Now is a time of gathering with families, where we are surrounded by people who may be very different from us. This holiday season is also filled with angst for many as our current political climate has brought all of our differences to surface. Now is a time for remembering that we are here because of where we came from. We must tell our stories from our hearts, and listen to others stories, to propel each of us to a place of understanding and our truest selves. It is important to move forward with honesty and without fear. 

Image Credit: Amazon 

Becoming a Grown-Ass Woman

I just turned 32. Yep, there it is. I'm 32. I'm in my thirties.

So why do I only feel like a grown-up some of the time? A good chunk of the time I still feel like that girl in high school, and sometimes it is genuinely weird to me that I am a homeowner, bill payer, a parent. (Not that those are the qualifications for being an adult, but one would think that with those things, I would feel like an adult all the time, right?) Someone put me in charge of maintaining a house, holding down a job, and growing another human into a productive member of society. Who the hell thought that was a good idea? Being an adult was supposed to feel way different, right?

Referring to myself as a "woman" feels weird, so grown up sounding. Michelle Obama is a woman. I'm just here trying to figure out how to adult today and how much coffee is needed for that. There are women not much older than me who I see as more "adult" than I am. Is it about age? Is it something else entirely? After all, I am THIRTY-TWO, now!

This snapped with me when I was shopping for a new outfit to wear out for my birthday (I know this sounds lame, but who knows how something will hit you). Whenever there is an occasion, I go out and get a new outfit that is fancier that anything else I wear, I feel awkward in it, and then it hangs in my closet. Every time an event like a wedding or birthday dinner comes up, I feel the need to dress up like someone I'm not. This year, I started to do that, then it hit me how silly that was. I should dress like myself, in something I love that I will wear again because it resembles me. Also, this is much more affordable, and who doesn't love that?

This simple act claiming who I am gave me one of those moments where I felt like an actual Grown-ass woman. That night, I went out with my best friend and our husbands, drank delicious martinis, ate steak, and declared that I am 32 and claiming it. Why should I be ashamed of becoming an adult?

All this got me seriously thinking about the women in my life and other women I admire, and what it was about these women that made me look up to them.

• They doesn't have time for other people's bullshit. They let others think and be what they may without playing in to their mess. 
• They don't harbor guilt, but simply apologize for what was their fault, and move forward.
• They are themselves, whatever that looks like. I don't know if anyone truly "doesn't care" what anyone thinks of them. But Grown-ass women care what they think of themselves MORE.
• They own their shit. It's okay if they are a mess, if  life is still a mess, if things are falling apart.  They are not habitually life's victim.
• They are impressive because they aren't out to impress. These women simply are, and that is what makes them intimidating.
• They embrace other women. They are strong together, seeing each other as necessary to survival, not as enemies or competition.  

These are things that I aspire to as a Grown-ass woman who is now thirty-two. I simply don't have the time or energy to keep living in the insecurities that I did in high school and college. It's exhausting, it keeps me trapped, it makes me feel bad about myself and my life. It's time to step up my Grown-ass woman game. When I was drinking martinis, eating steaks, being with the ones I love, dressing like myself, and declaring my thirty-two-ness, it felt amazing. I was free. I was a Grown-ass woman for that moment.

You've Set the Bar Too High, Pinterest

Pinterest is the most wonderful and terrible thing on the planet, and the inventors of Pinterest are internet freaking geniuses. Before Pinterest, I barely used the internet except for emails and Facebook. I had no idea what was out there. Suddenly, instructions on EVERYTHING are at my fingertips with beautiful pictures in well organized boards. Let's be honest. It's always been there. Pinterest is Pretty Google. You are Googling things and putting them into folders. It's just so much better.

Pinterest is single-handledly responsible for teaching me how to cook and opening me up to all the possibilities of Mason jars. I literally had no idea that Mason jars could in fact change my life. Not to mention, Pinterest has helped launch about a million bloggers who otherwise might never be found. There are things I never would have thought I could do if it weren't for Pinterest and all the amazing bloggers.

That's also the problem! You can go to Pinterest to learn how to do something, or to learn how to do that thing in the best possible way ever! Last week I simply wanted to learn how to roast the pumpkin seeds from our jack-o-latern. Not only did I learn how to do that, I learned 50 ways of making the best possible pumpkin seeds that your guests will die for. I bet you had no idea a damn pumpkin seed was so versatile.

No game has been more upped by Pinterest than parties. I am currently planning my daughter's third birthday, and of course, I turned to Pinterest for ideas on her chosen Pete the Cat theme. Once upon a time, when your kid had a birthday, you went to a party supply store and bought some balloons and plates in whatever theme, ordered a matching cake from the grocery store, and bought a veggie tray and some chips and salsa. Done. If this is you, don't ever change. Save yourself millions of dollars and hours.

Because now there is Pinterest to show you how to create everything you need for the perfect party of your dreams. Since your friends are on Pinterest, they also know what amazing things you could do for your party, because they are doing it all too. You can make your own adorable decorations out of upcycled old clothes, a custom sign out of your neighbors reclaimed pool deck, and serve all your food in stations out of various size jars. Gone are the pre-ordered cakes, you can learn how to make bakery style cakes with impeccable fondant, in the shape of your child! Why buy a Ninja Turtle balloon when you can make a life-size Ninja Turtle out of kiwi? Don't forget the ice cubes infused with herbs from your garden and lemonade from the lemons in your mini green house. Be sure to label all the refreshments with calligraphic signs written in your own glittery blood.

I am pretty crafty and I think that a lot of stuff like this is fun. I really do enjoy creating a special day for my daughter. And yep, I'll be getting some ideas from Pinterest.  I am, however, dialing it down a bit. In the long run, my kid isn't going to remember the hours I spent on the hand-made decorations, and I will likely regret all the hot glue gun burns and paper cuts acquired in the process. Who cares if a few of my guests snub their noses at my Party City plates and store-bought non-ogranic veggie tray (served in the plastic container it came in). Who invited those bitches anyway? Because what it is ACTUALLY about is celebrating my daughter, hanging out with friends, and eating lots of food. If you want to guarantee your child's party is a success, serve alcohol. Kids birthday parties can really suck for the adult guests who don't know each other if they must be completely sober.

Infertility and the Loss of Something You Never Had

Here I am again, laying on the couch, distracting myself with Friends and M&Ms while trying to ignore the cramps in my stomach and lower back that remind me that another baby may not be in the cards for us.

Infertility is a special kind of emptiness that is incredibly hard to explain to someone who has never been through it. It's a loss, but of something that was never actually there. It's not a tangible loss, not one that other people know how to deal with. It's the loss of the dream of something, the hope of something. An infertility diagnosis feels like something invisible being taken from your heart.

It was about 5 years ago when we were told by two doctors we had an incredibly small chance of having children. The doctors told us our test results and simply said "I'm so sorry." Those are words you never want to hear from a doctor. Not being candidates for invitro-fertilization, we were told we could try hormones but to not expect results and to consider adoption.

We were preparing for my husband's deployment to Afghanistan when we decided to go on Chlomid and try anyway. Pills, schedules, fights. There is nothing romantic about trying to have a baby in the midst of knowing you probably can't. Being told when to do it, how to do it, laying still with your pelvis tilted up for 20 minutes after. The Chlomid caused me to have mood swings and hot flashes. Then the waiting. Month after month of heartbreak. I eventually resented the pregnancy and ovulation tests because I felt like I was "failing" them.  Meanwhile, everyone was having babies or trying to be helpful. You want to be happy for your friends and their new babies, and you know your friends are trying to help.

When a friend announced she was pregnant, I had to try not to resent her. Being around pregnant women sucked terribly. Each baby shower, I found myself in tears on the way there and again on the way home. Usually while I was there I busied myself passing out cake or keeping the list of gifts. I remember spending birthday parties and family events finding somewhere quiet to go hold one of my friends babies and holding back my tears. Eventually I had to avoid social media to get away from the babies everywhere.

After being married for several years, people were asking questions. When would we have kids? What were we waiting for? What was wrong? Things that are none of anyone's damn business. The people who did know what we were dealing with tried to say the right thing. Most often, we were told stories of other people who faced infertility, to "trust God's perfect timing," or to "just relax." People loved us, and wanted to help. You simply cannot stop trying. It's impossible. The people who stopped trying didn't do it to relax, they did it because they gave up, there's a difference. That's the only way to really stop trying, to just be done and ready to move on with your lives.

That's what happened, we gave up. Then, we found out we were pregnant. We were lucky, very very lucky. Not because we finally did the right thing to get pregnant. Somehow it just happened. Many, many people out there have to wait for years and never get a baby. Somehow we won the fertility lottery. We were able to get pregnant within two years and have a baby with no complications. She's amazing, and we are grateful for her.

What I didn't expect was going through this again in a different way. Now all our friends are on their second baby, or third. We get questions living in a new town, "is she your only one?" and "do you want to have another?" We have to remind people we know what we went through to get her. Since we had one baby, we should be able to have another, right? We had a very small chance of getting pregnant, and no one wins the lottery twice. Some people who struggle with infertility get pregnant quickly with the second one. This won't be the case for us.

We are facing the choice of going down this road again, deciding if we want to go through the treatments, the schedules, the heartache. Last time, we ached for the dream of a child. This time, we know exactly what it means to be pregnant, to welcome a new life, to hold our tiny baby. We also know about the sleepless nights, days of worry, the toddler years. It's not just a question of if we want to go through the baby part again, it's the if we want to go through the pain it takes to get there knowing what we know now.

If you are in the midst of this struggle, you aren't alone. Thousands of us know the emptiness and heartache.  Infertility is the thing no one talks about because no one knows how. It's a grief many of us go through alone because it's incredibly private, yet everyone feels like it's their business. You may be feeling broken, hating your friends when you don't want to, avoiding family events, dreading the holidays with the babies, the questions. All I can tell you is that this is really, really hard. Hold on to your partner and leave Christmas dinner early if you have to. Skip the baby shower and mail a card, it's okay. I deeply wish I had other words for you, but please, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Talk to loved ones, find a therapist (I did that, too), whatever it takes to have people who love you and get it in your corner.

If you love someone struggling, then you have no idea what the hell to say. If you are saying a lot of things, stop it right now. What was the most helpful was the friends who offered no advice, but who held my hand, who let me hold their babies without comment, and who helped me put my make up back on after crying at yet another baby shower. They didn't ask questions but were always there and saw me, drank wine with me, and stood by me.